A war correspondant has returned from the battlefield. He nobly bears the tragic battle scars that are inevitably gained from such a harsh environment. Perhaps they will never fully heal. He is the same person you knew before he left, though perhaps a little of his care-free fun-loving demeanor has been replaced by a somber visage that knows some ugly truths. Our hero has not experienced the suffering and torment of the war for nothing -- he has lived to pass on the precious knowledge he gained the hard way. Though the horror story he relates shocks and frightens you, one cannot help but to thirst for more. A mere recounting of a ghastly tale is insufficient to quench your thirst. You must, in some fashion, experience the horror personally. But how, without throwing your life into extreme peril? . . .

I am your war correspondant. The war was living in a house over the summer without an Internet connection, where one could only browse the web with an America Online browser! I have returned from Hades to recount the hardship, the suffering, and the tears.

"Surely," you say, "surely it can't be all that bad. After all, AOL's president, Steve Case, in a letter to his loyal users, said that AOL's Web browser is 'faster.'"

Faster than what?, one may ask. Unfortunately Case remains strangely silent on this point. Credible experts have suggested the intended comparison was between the AOL web browser and Steve Case's grandmother carrying the data from the site of the URL to the loyal user on foot.
Anyway, while voluntarily submitting yourself to such horror as I experienced would be unthinkable, I've decided to let the very bravest of our web-browsing folk experience, for a relatively short time (all time becomes relative in terms of AOL, or it loses its meaning), the vulgar indecency of the AOL web browser. Yes, by clicking on the link below you will enter my simulation of what it is to browse with an abomination.

WARNING! Do NOT, under any circumstances, attempt to follow this link with an America Online Web browser! I repeat, do NOT click on the link below if you are browsing through America Online! The results would be unpredictable and catastrophic. My simulation is intended to demonstrate just how slow time can be on the geologic scale. Compounding this simulation with the AOL browser would slow down existence to the point where time might actually flow BACKWARDS! I refuse to be responsible for the ensuing devastation. Please, let's try to be responsible adults and recognize that it's imprudent to roll dice with death, especially when they're loaded in her favor.

BEGIN SIMULATION